an existential crisis

2006-06-24T19:19:00.000-06:00

issues... just issues. will be mia for a bit.

2006-06-13T22:38:00.000-06:00

i'm reading the most fantastic book EVER. it's called 'connect: 12 vital ties that open your heart, lengthen you life, and deepen your soul' by edward m. hallowell, m.d. it's fanfreakingtastic!! it's talking about something that a lot of people talk about and never do anything about... the increasing disconnect we all seem to feel with our fellow human beings. he talks about the importance of 'human moments' in our lives... tending our garden of connections, as it were, to each other on a purely human level. it's really fascinating... i know that at least two of you who are here frequently would benefit greatly from reading it, but i'm not going to tell you which two so you can all think that i think you are crazy and need help from this book. muahahaha!

i really think that putting into practice some of the things that he talks about is going to help me in my healing process... i have a whole bunch of stuff i'm going to write about it in the next few days from quotes in it that have sparked thoughts in me that need to come out and get marked down somewhere.

in other news... i miss school. i miss it so terribly, and i didn't really realise it until i was helping a friend with a paper in her juvenile delinquency class (she is a social worker working on her degree) and i read through the paper and we worked through her ideas and i cleaned up some grammatical things and it just struck me... i LOVE this. i love thinking things through and writing them cohesively and stringing ideas together and theorising and finding backing for those theories and arguing them to other people and debating policy and ideology and... and... and...

i just miss it. i haven't made opportunities for myself to do this kind of thing since i left school; maybe that was to distance myself from the pain i felt at the time of having to leave? the rejection i felt when the world didn't support me to pursue my scholarly ambitions? i don't know. but i really need to make that connection again... it's essential to my mental health.

i've arranged for dad to lend me the cash to start into my program at athabasca university, partly so i can show the good sam (the agency i just interviewed with) the piece of paper they need to prove my worth and partly because of all of that ^.

i'm actually really excited. even though i have to take stats (yuck! math!) i'm really excited to get back into this world... i didn't realise how much i missed it. i've never understood how so many people can hate school. i mean, sure there are crappy teachers and nasty students and a system that tries its best to stamp out all inklings of individual thought, but... you get to learn.

to me that made it all worthwhile.

2006-06-12T22:50:00.000-06:00

since i've gone raw, i've been finding i have had some terrible cravings for cooked things... not like junk food, even but for things like baked potatoes and stuff like that. but i have given in a few times (damn that moussaka at my partner's restaurant for being so delicious!) and i've felt like absolute crap afterwards. so, i decided today that instead of giving in, i will journal. what i'm feeling, what time of day, what time of week, what i'm doing and any impressions that i have. for example, when i got the moussaka, i really wanted warmth and comfort. that is what i associate a lot of cooked foods with... warmth. living in canada, that's no small thing. so i started heating my magic bags (cloth sacs full of some sort of grain that you can reheat in the microwave for a heating pad) and using them on my feet and tummy. *poof* goes the craving as i warm up. fantastic!!

so yeah... i will be journalling my cravings instead of giving in to them, and hopefully i will be able to learn about myself and what i've been using food to comfort myself about all my life. and then i can work on the self-care and self-love and be all happy and not crazy anymore!! woot!

lol.

2006-06-12T22:06:00.000-06:00

today has been very good. i'm down to 225.4lbs, and i'm still raw. :D

2006-06-09T08:46:00.000-06:00

yesterday was TERRIBLE. cooked food and no exercise (except a bit of walking). and i should have known better. today is my interview and i feel like cooked-crap. i know i'm going to do well, though. interviews are the easy part :P

yesterday i ate:

a banana

an apple

a mandarin orange

some mixed greens with the last of my avocado dressing

a little more than half of a bell pepper

mousska with greek potatoes and greek salad.

you know, i really wanted something warm... some warm comfort food. it's been rainy and cool here for a few days and i went to the restaurant my partner works in and ate there (their food is fabulous, for cooked food). the funny thing is, once it got to the table, i took a couple of bites of the moussaka and didn't really want it any more. i spent far more time on the greek salad and potatoes.

so i guess that is a good sign. i don't think i'll be doing this again anytime soon. i felt so good on the raw days, and i think this backslide will only serve to strengthen my resolve. so that is good.

and i didn't exercise. i got home, and i was just exhausted. so i cleaned a little bit and sat my butt down and read. it was good.

eek my interview is in two hours!!

2006-06-08T10:08:00.000-06:00

yesterday was pretty good. i didn't eat a whole lot, but i wasn't hungry and i didn't want to push it.

i ate:

a banana/pear/spinach smoothie

a spinach salad with my avocado dressing

strawberry and kiwi fruit salad

an apple

a pear

cucumber and tomato salad with a bit of herbamare

a small slushee from the convenience store (my partner bought it for me on his way home)

and that was it. i just wasn't hungry yesterday. oh well. i did all my exercises (yesterday was ab day) and did the calf raises i was supposed to do on tuesday, too. so that was good. i also planned out the rest of my workout program so i have a weekly routine set up now. :D

in other news, i'm really excited for my interview tomorrow. i hope it goes well!!

2006-06-06T22:38:00.000-06:00

today was not as good as yesterday, but still was very good.

i ate:

a banana

a turkey sandwich

a cup or so of restaurant 'salad'- iceburg lettuce with some strings of carrot and a couple chunks of tomato

an apple

a mandarin orange

a banana

some cucumber

a big mixing bowl full of mixed greens with my avocado dressing

two kiwi

and a big bunch of fresh pineapple

the sandwich and the 'salad' were due to dining out for lunch with a friend today.

i've applied for two new jobs and i got a call back from both places. i freely admitted in my cover letter that i don't have the education that they are looking for, but i make up for that in several ways and i'm working on the education through distance university courses. i guess honesty really is the best policy, because both agencies are interested despite that lack. my first interview is friday, and i'm playing phone tag with the other agency's hr guy. i'm so excited i can barely sit here to type :P

in other news... well, there really isn't much. i did my workout today, plus we did lots of active stuff at work today. i took the wrong keys to work, so when my client arrived home we went for a walk that included going down, and then back up, five flights of stairs. we got to have a look at the river valley view, though, so it was really enjoyable. then after we got into the house (her mom got home from work and let us in) and she had eaten, she rode her adapted bike and i walked about five blocks, then five blocks to the park where she played while i read, and then four blocks back to her house. then i did my workout when i got home. today i worked the back of my body, so i had a couple tricep exercises, a couple butt exercises, a couple hamstring exercises and a couple of back exercises. i still have to do my calf raises, though. i should get on that. all in all, a VERY active day.

2006-06-05T21:55:00.000-06:00

today was awesome!!!

i ate completely raw! and i worked out!!

even in a very tempting social situation (a client's graduation 'tea' where there was no tea but plenty of baked sugar) i had a cup of the punch and nothing else. eep i'm so proud of myself. it's so silly. :P

anyways... today i had:

banana/pear/spinach smoothie

a bell pepper, cut in strips

carrot sticks

a banana

two mandarin oranges

tomato 'soup' - i blended some roma tomatoes with half an avacado and then added some onion, garlic, herbamare. then i added a couple tablespoons of HOT tap water (i was craving warm soup really badly) and voila... smooth, creamy, room temperature tomato 'soup' with loads of flavour. woot!

big bowl of mixed salad greens

avocado dressing- the juice i strained from the tomatoes above, mixed with one and a half avodcado and about a quarter of a cup of olive oil. i added the juice of a lime and some sea salt. then a little water to thin it out. it's enough for a week, i swear!! but so good!!

3 small apricots

5 rambutan

and that's it!! i've also drank a little under a litre of water today.

i worked out when i got home from work, too. i tested my new skipping rope (that is going to whip me into shape, i tell you!) for a couple of minutes, then i used the routine i set up last night. i worked on the front of my body today, so i did pectoral flys, three types of bicep curls, three kinds of squats, a wrist exercise and a shoulder press type of move.

tomorrow i do the back of my body, then wednesday is the abs. then i switch it up by doing the top of my body on thursday, the bottom on friday, and abs again on saturday. sunday is my rest day. i'm also trying to work in a half an hour of walking and five minutes with the skipping rope, too. but one step at a time... workouts feel GOOD. :D

2006-06-05T10:56:00.000-06:00

this was supposed to be yesterday... oh well.

my weight yesterday morning was 232.8.

this is near to my highest weight ever.

but that's ok, because i'm starting fresh today. i cut out workout routines from all the old magazines i had kicking around, and i'm setting up my routines for a week. i think that now i am finally serious about this. i'm tired of being fat. i'm tired of feeling like crap all the time and trying to hide in the background because i'm embarrassed about my weight. i'm tired of nothing ever fitting me, and having to go into specialty stores to find things that come close. short girls aren't supposed to get fat, you know. it's just a law of nature. and marketing.

at any rate, i'm feeling really good today, and i'm hoping this feeling continues forever :P fat chance, but we can hope, can't we?

2006-06-03T00:52:00.000-06:00

well, today was ok. i had the day off work, which helped. it was really a 'take care of me' day. i slept until nearly eleven, then puttered and stuff until bryant left for work at three. then i de-cluttered part of the living room (yes, only part) and got distracted by passions and days of our lives. i swear, they are brain candy. two of the STUPIDEST shows on television, and yet every chance i have i tune in. mind-rotting brain candy.

today i ate:

banana/strawberry/spinach smoothie (i much prefer the mangoes and pears... can't wait till they ripen!)

a quarter of a small watermelon

half a cantaloupe

four roma tomatoes and 2/3 of a field cucumber with herbamare

one carambola (starfruit)

a few handfuls of whole-grain tortilla chips (i know, i know)

one glass of cabernet sauvignon

i don't think i'm willing to give up the wine to go raw. it's just so interesting and... interesting. maybe later on in my transition.

i also had a breakthrough today. i was sitting on the floor in front of my couch sorting things, and i got distracted by television. i pulled myself back up onto the couch, and during a commercial i looked down and saw the piles of STUFF. spread out around me like the great wall of the fortresses of old. and i realised... it's just a shield. a fortification to keep others from getting close. just the way it is for mom. and i'm tired of having defenses. i don't need them. i am strong enough to protect myself and to heal from whatever damage letting someone in might cause. i don't want to end up like mom... divorced, with a little house full of stuff from thirty or forty years ago eating up my living space and keeping me from allowing others to truly experience me. there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. i have been taught poor coping skills, i have held them close to me for YEARS because i was afraid of change. afraid of leaving behind the legacy of my childhood. but that isn't WRONG. it's just the way i was taught. and now i am teaching myself anew how to deal with life and how to cope.

and yet, i know these aren't the only reasons.

i need to delve further. i think i need therapy. but that may have to wait. in the meantime... here's something to lighten the post a bit:

2006-06-02T11:30:00.000-06:00

'Stretch marks never bothered me; why should scars?'

i am completely the opposite. scars fascinate me. they are like the visual representation of a person's life story, their history laid bare on their skin and unavoidable.

i know what each of the scars on my body are there to remind me of. the one on my lip that looks like a little blister is from the 'accident' during my dental surgery in grade six. the one on my arm that is shaped like a flag and nearly invisible now is from a jungle gym accident in kindergarten. the one on my knee is from a race down a gravel road (i lost).

each one is a piece of me, a tangible reminded of the history stored in my body. i think that i respect my scars for this, because without them it could be argued that i made it all up, that my 'memories' are imaginative creations... but no, i can say, that DID happen. look, i have the scar to prove it!

and yet... stretch marks repulse me. they don't disgust me, so much, as they evoke a pity and a 'too bad it couldn't have been different' kind of a feeling in me. at least, when they are my own. i feel sorry for my skin, ashamed that i have let it be stretched so far that it breaks and turns a bright purply red in anger at my neglect.

but soon enough they will be lost and faded, and i will have another scar to show off... see? i really was fat! i have the scars to prove it!

2006-05-31T20:44:00.000-06:00

dad left me a letter yesterday telling me what i disappointment i am and everyone i love sucks and that he couldn't stand to stay here any more and blah blah fucking blah. nice, eh? i cancelled my work shift and randi and i went to lunch. i showed her the letter and she agreed that it was completely unnecessary, not to mention cowardly, to do such a thing.

so, i came home and told him he had better get packing if he expected to be home by dark (he lives in calgary, which is three or so hours away). can you guess what he said? 'can i stay until friday?'

i'm not kidding. not even a bit. he tells me how disappointing i am as a daughter, how disgusting my house is, how nothing i've ever done has been right, and then wants to stay for another three days? i don't think so.

so bryant was working, and i had noone really to talk to... so i sat and stared at the wall for a few hours, and randi came over when she was done work to comfort me. we went for fabulous greek food and ice cream. then when she dropped me off at home...

i got drunk. very drunk. very VERY drunk.

and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do a bender.

i drank a bottle of cabernet shiraz (from jackson-triggs in bc, if anyone is interested... they are very good) and watched random television until bryant got home. we watched the daily show and colbert report, and then i broke down and bawled and sobbed and wrenched my poor body like a small child for two hours.

it was cathartic, to say the least.

the image that recurred over this time period was me as a little girl, around five or six, watching him drive away after dropping me off at mom's. my parents are divorced, you see. they have been since i was two. and dad got every other weekend with me. my mother is terribly mentally ill, but at that age you don't know why you are so desperate to get out... mommy is perfect and so you must be awful for wanting to leave her, you know? anyways, i digress. he'd come and pick me up on friday and i would hope and pray and wish that he would see what was wrong and save me from her, that he would whisk me away and i would never have to deal with it again. but come sunday, every other sunday, he'd bring me back and leave me with her. and it tore me apart.

and now it feels like instead of leaving me alone with her, he's leaving me alone to deal with her legacy in my head... the mental illness, the depression, the terrifying complexes and conditions that keep me from functioning like a 'normal' human being and instead paralyse me and keep me trapped in my childhood like an idiot who stays inside a chalk line box because he's been told that stepping over it will kill him. and he's not going to save me. he's not going to help me. no, he's going to treat me like a leper because i just don't understand how to step out of that box. it's like i missed a memo that everyone else in the office received, and noone will tell me what it's about. it's like getting fired over it.

gah. i'm acting so... so emo. it's ridiculous. i'm twenty years old. i've been living on my own (or with my partner) for four years now. what the hell is wrong with me?

anyways, food has been crap the last few days. lots of moussaka. i will be taking a few days to go inward (feel free to skip the posts) before venturing outward again.

2006-05-30T21:03:00.000-06:00

today was one of the toughest days i've ever had.

i'm going to curl up naked in a blanket (don't imagine it, you'll scar your retinas) and drink myself silly while watching tootsie. or muriel's wedding. or strictly ballroom. or maybe shrek.

no, probably tootsie.

anyways... i hope you all have a good night. and i hope i will be able to put my words one after the other in a coherent fashion tomorrow so you all know what's going on.

2006-05-29T21:27:00.000-06:00

yikes!! today should be an example to all of you dieters who don't think they ought to plan their meals... ugh. i feel so... blah.

breakfast: banana/pear/spinach smoothie
mandarin orange

lunch: spicy chicken burger
fries
diet coke

supper: veggie burrito (not nearly as healthy as it sounds, believe me)
mexi-fries (aka tater tots)
iced tea

i'll probably have some grapefruit or something before i tuck in, too. the problem today was that i just ran out the door and didn't even THINK about what i was going to eat for the rest of the day. tomorrow will be better.

also, i got a new toy today!! olympus stylus 800 digital camera... *drool* on sale, too! i'm a sale whore, i tell you. so i will be doing my 'before' shots very soon. and will probably bore you all to death with pictures of my cats. :D

2006-05-29T10:50:00.000-06:00

ever since i went to university, i've been stuck in an existential crisis. and because money troubles cut short my stay there, i haven't really had an opportunity to examine satre et. al. to death and refute their theories. plus i have random and often excitingly overwhelming feminist crises once in a while, too. at any rate... why did i create this blog? well, i am pulling myself into a healthier plane of existence. i am transitioning to raw foods, and i am getting off my ass once in a while in an effort to make it a little smaller. i need space in which to work through many of my food related issues and to chronicle my progress so that i can look back in a year or two and laugh at my misguided notions of morality, health and progress.

plus i'm a bit of an exhibitionist.